Fun Facts From the Book of Samuel

Lately I've been doing what I never really did during my youth as an ardent Christian or my college years at a Lutheran college or my two summers as a Bible camp counselor: actually read the Bible. And read it like you would read a book you actually wanted to understand, not cut up into out-of-context snippets like is typically done in church.

The more I do so the more I understand why this is not done in church: most of it would hardly help reinforce people's Christianity, much less reassure them on Sunday morning. For instance, lately I have been working on first and second Samuel, which covers the founding of the Israeli monarchy. Leaving aside the fact that scholars have figured out that the books are drawn from two sources that clearly have completely different ideas about many things, I'll just concentrate on what I'll be calling CAS, for Crazy-Ass Shit, such as:

1. The Israelites main enemy, the Philistines, capture the Ark of the Covenant (which you'll remember from Raiders of the Lost Ark) in battle. Unfortunately, bad things happen in whatever Philistine city has the Ark, including mass outbreaks of tumors. So the Philistine priests decide that they need to return the Ark, along with five golden tumors and five golden mice. Golden tumors? (I Samuel 5-6)

2. Saul made a deal with David: David could marry Saul's daughter Michal if David brought him 100 Philistine foreskins. David goes the extra mile and brings him 200 Philistine foreskins (from dead Philistines, of course). (I Samuel 18:20-29)

3. Saul and David are such prolific killers that there is a song about them (suitable for dancing), the lyrics of which go: "Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands." It's even mentioned three times: I Samuel 18:7, I Samuel 21:11 and in a retelling of the same story in I Samuel 29:5.

4. Saul, when he becomes king, banishes the mediums (or witches) and wizards. However, when God won't give him a sign, whether by dreams or holy dice rolls (more on this later), his finds a medium, the Witch of Endor (isn't that the planet of the Ewoks?) and convinces her to raise Samuel from Sheol to give him advice. Instead, Samuel chews him out.

And on and on. I patiently await for stained glass windows to be made of these stories.